MEN AND WOMEN: THE WHOLE STORY

RELATIONSHIPS:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots'. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, mthey lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

To smart women everywhere

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

-Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good

for 36 hours.

-Rita Rudner-

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-Rita Rudner-

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-Wendy Liebman-

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-Erma Bombeck-

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

9. I think-therefore I'm single.

-Lizz Winstead-

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

-Gilda Radner-

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

15. Some of us are becoming the menwe wanted to marry.

-Gloria Steinem-

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night

-Marie Corelli-

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

-Baroness Edith-Summerskill

18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

-Linda Ellerbee-

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

10 Times Bigger

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN . . .

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hug her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Cuddle her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN . . .

Show up naked.

Bring beer (optional).

A housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work. While this takes place she locks her 9-year-old son in the bedroom closet. One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she locks her lover in the same closet with the boy. They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says, "Dark in here." "Yes it is." "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Wanna buy it?" "No." My dad's out there." "OK, I'll buy it. How much?" "$25.00." "Gee. OK, I'll buy it." A week later the man is over again. The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again. The man is locked in the closet with the boy again. They stand in the gloom until the boy says: "Dark in Here." "Yes, it is." "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice. "Wanna buy it?" Remembering the previous week, the man says, "sure,how much?" "$75.00." "Fine." The following weekend the father says to the boy, Son, go get your ball and glove and let's play some catch." "I can't dad. I sold them." "Really? For how much?" "$100.00." "Son you shouldn't rip your friends off like that. We didn't pay anywhere near that for those items. I'm taking you to the Priest and I want you to confess to him." They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession. "What is your sin, my son?" "Dark in here." "Don't start that shit again."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that tommorrow will be a beautifal day. What does it tell you?" Holmes paused for a moment. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."