A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology", says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but its of absolutely no use to anyone!" The man below says, "You must be a manager!" "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. And, you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
UGLY: Your daughter has them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
UGLY: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.
"Head and Shoulders"
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man enters, and he is absolutely perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
WHAT CAN A BIRD DO THAT A MAN CAN'T?
Whistle through its pecker.
WHY DID THE MAN CROSS THE ROAD?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have time.
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They won't stop and ask for directions.
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
Because they don't have the penises to keep them in.
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They are intended for children, but the men usually end up playing with them.
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LAY ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their ass hole and they vapor lock.
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It's sex with someone they love.
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals".
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) One. Men will screw anything.
b) One. Men will screw up anything.
c) Five. One to do the screwing, and four to listen to him brag about it.
d) One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ***********brilliant***************
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
Nobody knows - it's never happened.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
Why do men need instant re-plays on TV sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't ask you to dance or buy you a drink.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE
INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang on in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, 'Okay, time for a Quiz'. Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouth Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He then produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, 'is this jar full?'. Everyone in the class said, 'Yes'. The expert said, 'Really?'. He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. He asked the group once more, 'Is this jar full?' By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not" one of them answered. 'Good!' he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question,' Is this jar full?'. 'No!' the class shouted. Once again he said, 'Good'. Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, 'What is the point of this illustration?'. One eager beaver raised his hand and said, 'The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!". 'No," the speaker replied, 'that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. 'What are the 'big rocks in your life? Your children ... your loved ones your education ... your dreams ... a worthy cause. Teaching or mentoring others . . . doing things that you love ... time for yourself ... your health ... your significant other. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things you worry about that don't really matter, and you'll never have the real quality time you need to spend on the big, important stuff (the big rocks). 'So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in your jar first.'