Sex is the most practical and funniest way of loosing weight. Look how many calories you can loose:

 

* TAKING CLOTHES OUT

With her agreement..............................12 cal

Without her agreement..........................187 cal

 

* TAKING THE BRA OFF

With both hands..................................8 cal

With one hand...................................12 cal

With one hand being slapped.............37 cal

With the mouth..................................85 cal

 

* PUTTING THE CONDOM

With erection....................................6 cal

Without erection...............................315 cal

 

* PRELIMINARIES

Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal

Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal

Without caring at all............................0 cal

 

* WHEN DOING IT

Helding her up..................................12 cal

Just in the floor................................8 cal

 

* POSITIONS

daddy-mummy.............................12 cal

69 laying........................................8 cal

(she gets some calories, depending on how much does she swallow)

69 standing up.................................112 cal

Troley.........................................216 cal

Italian chandelier..........................912 cal

 

* HAVING AN ORGASM

Real...........................................112 cal

False.......................................315 cal

 

* POST ORGASM

Staying in bed..................................18 cal

Jump off the bed................................36 cal

Explain why did she jump off the bed...........816 cal

 

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION

Between 16 and 19 years old.....................12 cal

from 20 to 29...................................36 cal

from 30 to 39..................................108 cal

from 40 to 49..................................324 cal

from 50 to 59..................................972 cal

more than 60..................................2916 cal

 

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES

Quietly.........................................32 cal

Being in a hurry................................98 cal

With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal

 

Subject: FW: Purple Mondays

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too........

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > .DOWN

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > .

 

> > > > "Oh no!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"

 

Some of these are good.

Words To Live By

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

 

Gripes of Life

1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right!. What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 5 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, tosser?!

 

Subject: Things people said in court

Things people actually said in court They don't send emails like this anymore.......... golden oldies! From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."

 

They're things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

 

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: Did he kill you?

 

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

 

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

 

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?

WITNESS: There were traces of semen.

LAWYER: Male semen?

WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

 

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?

WITNESS: No.

 

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

LAWYER: It was covered?

WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.

LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?

WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

 

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the

truth and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

CLERK: Yes.

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

 

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And did you observe anything?

WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

WITNESS: I saw George.

LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?

WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

LAWYER: His "thing"?

WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?

WITNESS: Of course I did!

LAWYER: What did you say to him?

WITNESS: "Morning, George."

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