Subject: Compaq Tech support
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had "a friend" who "knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes __ No __
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No __
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes __ No __
16. If "Yes" then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered "nothing" then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes __ No __
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR? __
21. Do you have a copy of "PCs for Dummies"? Yes __ No __
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes __ No __
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes __ No __
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes __ No __
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes __ No __
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes __ Not Yet __
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __
This form provided by William Fasulo, who is related to me in that, sometime in the past, hundreds of years ago, our common ancestor was hanged in Italy for selling bad wine. Be comforted that in the face of aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big fortune in computer maintenance. "God put computers on earth to teach people patience who had not experienced agriculture." - Peter Broaderick
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. ' Doesn't matter,'she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel'. The pharmacist fainted.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Jimmy Shubert
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
Franck Dubosc
On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my handbag.'"
Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Lenny Clarke
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich Jeni
For all you Beer drinkers out there!!!!!!!!!!
Chick Drinks
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He's gay.
YUCK !!!
KFC has been a part of the American tradition for many years. Many people, day in and day out, eat at KFC religiously. Do they really know what they are eating? During a recent study of KFC done at the University of New Hampshire, they found some very upsetting facts. First of all, has anybody noticed that just recently, the company has changed their name? Kentucky Fried Chicken has become KFC. Does anybody know why? We thought the real reason was because of the "FRIED" food issue. It's not. The reason why they call it KFC is because they can not use the word chicken anymore. Why? KFC does not use real chickens. They actually use genetically manipulated organisms. These so called "chickens" are kept alive by tubes! ; inserted into their bodies to pump blood and nutrients throughout their structure. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. Their bone structure is dramatically shrunk to get more meat out of them. This is great for KFC because they do not have to pay so much for their production costs. There is no more plucking of the feathers or the removal of the beaks and feet. The government has told them to change all of their menus so they do not say chicken anywhere. If you look closely you will notice this. Listen to their commercials, I guarantee you will not see or hear the word chicken.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Bob Moorman wrote:
The Unfair Thing About Life - by George Carlin
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. Then you do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm."
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way ,the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS:-
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS............Able to waffle
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS............Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE.....................Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED.........Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY...............Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY......................Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY............Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER...................Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING.......................Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER......................Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE...........................Obnoxious
WORKS HARD...........................Struggles with day to day jobs
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS.........Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL............Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.......A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES.............Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT.........Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR.................Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED........................Back Stabber
ADMIRED BY COLLEAGUES................No threat to others career paths
DISLIKED BY COLLEAGUES...............Successful
LOYAL................................Can't get a job anywhere else
NATURAL LEADER.......................First out the door at end of day
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The Assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20 "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and Squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking New madam". "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.