80,000 Blondes in Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid
Convention ".The compere says " We are all here today to prove to the world
that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
One blonde steps up.
The compere says to her " What's 15 plus 15? "
After 15 or twenty seconds she says "Eighteen "
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
80,000 blondes start cheering " Give her another chance, give her
another chance".
The compere says "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 of you here and the world-wide press, I guess we can give
her another chance."
So he says " What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?"
The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen- the blonde starts
crying, and 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance,
give her another chance".
The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good,
eventually says, " OK one more chance, what's 2 plus 2?"
The girl dries her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "4".
Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another
chance,give her another chance. "
AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION - WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response
when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually
handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser
magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections,
Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married
15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt- Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken
Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!!
In the hospital where their family member lay gravely ill, relatives
>gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking
>tired and sombre. "I'm afraid that I'm the bearer of bad news." he
>said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your
>loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental
>procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain
>yourselves."
>
>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At
>length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" to
>which the doctor quickly responded, "£2000 for a female brain, and
>£5000 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward.
>
>Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the
>women, but some actually smirked. A bloke, unable to control his
>curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is
>the male brain so much more?"
>
>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire
>group said,"It's a standard pricing procedure: we have to mark the
>female brains down because they've been used."
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to
be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That
will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only
have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay
because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
> produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> (Hardly seems worth it!)
>
> If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
> (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> (Still not over that pig thing!)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
> pleasure.
> (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
>
> On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> (Hmmmmm.....:-)
>
> You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
> (Killing someone else, on the other hand....)
>
> Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
> (Great, now we will have pizza farmers wanting federal subsidies)
>
> Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
>
> You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
> poisonous spider.
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> left-handed people do.
> (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
>
> In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,
> including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
> (And what about ....)
>
> A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
> (It doesn't have to...)
>
> The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
> own weight and always falls over on its right side when
> intoxicated.
> (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the government pay for
> this research??)
>
> Polar bears are left handed.
> (Not according to the Coke commercials)
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
> starves to death.
> (Creepy!)
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
> attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head
> off.
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> (In my next life I still want to be a pig... !)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
> (Oh, geez!)
>
> Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
> (And for good reason)
>
> A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
> (Party on, Kitty)
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> (I know some people like that.)
>
> Starfish don't have brains.
> (I know some people like that too!)
>
> After reading all these, all I can say is..."Lucky Pigs"!!!
>
>
> >
> > > Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
> > > > Ask your mother.
> > > >
> > > > What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
> > > > Wiped his arse.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell if your wife is dead?
> > > > The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
> > > >
> > > > What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
> > > > They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
> > > > The cake jumps out of the girl.
> > > >
> > > > What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
> > > > Full.
> > > >
> > > > How is pubic hair like parsley?
> > > > You push it to the side before you start eating.
> > > >
> > > > If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
>have
> > > you
> > > > done wrong?
> > > > Made her chain too long.
> > > >
> > > > Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
> > > > By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have
>left
> > > > is
> > > > the greasy box to
> > > > put your bone in.
> > > >
> > > > How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
> > > > They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you
>lose
> > > > your
> > > > house.
> > > >
> > > > Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
> > > > Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
> > > > A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with
> > > > everybody
> > > > at the party except you.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
> > > > Spitting, swallowing & gargling
> > > >
> > > > What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
> > > > "Honey, I'm home."
> > > >
> > > > What's so good about an Ethiopian Blow-job?
> > > > You know she'll swallow.
> > > >
> > > > Why don't they teach highway code & sex education on the same day in
> > > Iraq?
> > > >
> > > > They don't want to wear out the camel.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a Catholic wife & a Jewish wife?
> > > > A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery.
> > > >
> > > > Do you know why women fake orgasm?
> > > > Because men fake foreplay.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting
>circumcised?
> > > > When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a G-Spot & a golf ball?
> > > > A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
> > > >
> > > > Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
> > > > She knows she's given her last blow job.
> > > >
> > > > What did one gay sperm say to another?
> > > > How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
> > > >
> > > > What did the elephant say to the naked man?
> > > > It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
> > > >
> > > > How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > > > Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
> > > >
> > > > How do you find a blonde in long grass?
> > > > Pleasing!
> > > >
> > > > What has seventy-five balls & screws old ladies?
> > > > Bingo.
> > > >
> > > > How do little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
>bedtime?
> > > > When the big hand touches the little hand...
> > > >
> > > > When is a pixie not a pixie?
> > > > When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
> > > >
> > > > What's the definition of a Yankee?
> > > > Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
> > > > The tongue's still in the envelope.
> > > >
> > > > Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
> > > > The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, & your meat, but
>you
> > > > just
> > > > can't beat a blow job.
> > > >
> > > > What is the definition of Confidence?
> > > > When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her
>on
> > > > the
> > > > ass & say,"You're next!"
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
> > > > It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
> > > >
> > > > What's pink & hard?
> > > > A pig with a flick knife.
> > > >
> > > > Why do blondes have more fun?
> > > > They are easier to keep amused.
> > > >
> > > > Why do seagulls have wings?
> > > > To beat the gypsies to the tip.
> > > >
> > > > Why did God invent alcohol?
> > > > So fat people can get laid.
> > > >
> > > > How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
> > > > Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
> > > >
> > > > What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
> > > > Your last blow job.
> > > >
> > > > Why did god create women?
> > > > Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.
> > > >
> > > > What's 100 yds long & smells of piss?
> > > > The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
> > > > One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
> > > >
> > > > How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
> > > > None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with
>Darkness'.
> > > >
> > > > Why don't blind people skydive?
> > > > It scares the shit out of the dog.
> > > >
> > > > What have women & condoms got in common?
> > > > Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between PMT & BSE?
> > > > One's mad cow's disease & the other's an agricultural problem.
> > > >
> > > > What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
> > > > Pat
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a road killed dog and a road killed
> > > > lawyer/insurance salesman?
> > > > There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> > > >
> > > > How do you make a dog drink?
> > > > Put it in a liquidizer.
> > > >
> > > > What's got four legs & an arm?
> > > > A rottweiler.
> > > >
> > > > What do you call bears with no ears?
> > > > B.
> > > >
> > > > What's got two legs & bleeds?
> > > > Half a dog..
> > > >
> > > > What do you do if your boiler explodes?
> > > > Buy her some flowers.
> > > >
> > > > What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
> > > > Patient!!
> > > >
> > > > What is the definition of confusion?
> > > > Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
> > > >
> > > > What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
> > > > A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
> > > >
> > > > How is pussy like a grapefruit?
> > > > The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
> > > >
> > > > What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
> > > > No one to talk to during orgasm.
> > > >
> > > > Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
> > > > The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>donuts.
> > > >
> > > > Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
> > > > She is the one who can eat the last donut!
> > > >
> > > > How do you turn a fox into a cow?
> > > > Marry it!
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
> > > > In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
> > > >
> > > > Why does the bride always wear white?
> > > > Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
> > > > refrigerator..
> > > >
> > > > I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbours need a
> > > > cigarette.
> > > >
> > > > Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
> > > >
> > > > Why do bachelors like smart women?
> > > > Opposites attract.
> > > >
> > > > Why do Italians wear moustaches?
> > > > So they can look like their mother.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell which is the HEAD nurse?
> > > > The one with the scuffed knees.
> > > >
> > > > What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> > > > A battery has a positive side.
> > > >
> > > > How do you tell if a chick's to fat to screw?
> > > > When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.
> > > >
> > > > Why do men take showers instead of baths?
> > > > Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
> > > >
> > > > Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
> > > > It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
> > > >
> > > > Why do women have FOREHEADS?
> > > > So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
> > > >
> > > > Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
> > > > When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell if you had a really great blowjob?
> > > > You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell if you have a great old lady?
> > > > She pulls the sheet out for you.
> > > >
> > > > Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
> > > > Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
> > > >
> > > > Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
> > > > They keep stepping on the strings.
> > > >
> > > > How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
> > > > When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
> > > >
> > > > Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
> > > > The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to
> > > bed.
> > > > The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the
> > > > refrigerator.
> > > >
> > > > What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
> > > > A woman that won't do what she's told.
> > > >
> > > > How can you tell a macho woman?
> > > > She rolls her own tampons.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
>
>********************************************************************************
> > A Guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big
> woman
> > next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big
> > woman
> > replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
> > I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete
> and
> > bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220
> lb.,
> > and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's
> 6'5",
> > weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kick boxer. Now, do you
> > still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second
> and
> > says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."