Subject: FW: OOPPS
A guy is sitting reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it". she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on, "he explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, what the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
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FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied. The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Actual Sentences
Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local Welfare Department from applicants.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
* I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?
* I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
* This is my 8th child. What are you going to do about it?
* Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 3 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
* I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
* I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for 2 weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Try this. It's pretty cool. Try not to cheat & look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image... You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view.
> > > > > {{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////%
> > > > > ||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%
=/////////^^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
====]]\\\\\///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
> > > > > $$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%
Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer. If you had trouble and didn't see it try getting close to the screen, even placing your nose on the screen, and slightly blur your eyes that usually helps people to see it.
Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.
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It's.........NOTHING, you idiot, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against the monitor!
Pass it on and make a fool of someone else!